It’s no secret that billionaire Donald Trump is always head-hunting for his next capable apprentice, but news sources are saying that he’s recently taken the term to a disturbingly literal level. Taking a cue from his sons’ predilection for hunting, the Donald reportedly purchased the small African island of Combovia, and has been using the land exclusively to host his ultra-rich cronies in a rather gruesome sport. Reality-show wannabes who showed up to “auditions” on the secluded parcel of land owned by Trump quickly found themselves to be the prey of the mogul’s pals, who “fired at [them] with crossbows” while hollering “You’re fired.” The horrific game became even more unsettling when some of the victims witnessed a “blur of pinstripes” try, for no apparent reason, to scalp them and “steal their hair.”
“I knew the auditions would be brutal, but I didn’t expect this,” said J.R., one survivor who declined to give his full name. “When all these rich-looking guys started hooting and hollering, I just thought they were impressed by my resume.”
All of the Apprentice hopefuls made it back to the States safely, but there was one casualty – their hair. According to several eyewitnesses, a masked marauder in a pin-striped suit seemed intent on targeting the members of the group with nice locks, chopping their tresses off with a machete. The bandit collected the stolen hair in an L.L. Bean messenger bag monogrammed “D.J.T.” before making his escape in a silver Hummer stretch limo.
Human rights groups have been swarming the area to protest the use of the land for the bizarre sport, and a few of the ultra-high-net-worth hunters have been taken into custody by officials. Donald Trump himself has not yet been apprehended.
“I still just don’t get why he wanted my hair,” said one survivor of the whole ordeal.