Fans of Leonardo DiCaprio may be sad to learn he has pledged abstinence until we end our collective addiction to fossil fuels. Widely celebrated for his environmental activism, the Oscar-winning actor cited widespread apathy despite unprecedented concentrations of atmospheric carbon emissions as the reason behind this drastic move. He said, “by abstaining from sexual intercourse, which – don’t get me wrong – is something I enjoy very much, I am sending the message that sometimes we have to make enormous personal sacrifices for the sake of the greater good.”


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DiCaprio said at a recent press conference in the Red Light District of Amsterdam that climate change is the most urgent issue of our time. “If we don’t take serious action now to reduce carbon dioxide emissions,” he said, “within the next few decades, humanity will have to face the kind of drought, famine, and superstorms the worst B movies are made of.”

“I knew I had to make a powerful statement in order to show fans how serious I am about this issue,” he added. “And giving up sex is about as serious as it gets.”

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Wiping a tear from his eye as disappointed models turned to Jake Gyllenhaal for solace, DiCaprio said he consulted with Mormon leaders to fit him with a custom chastity belt made with faux leather.

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“To be honest, it’s terribly uncomfortable,” he said. “Hopefully I won’t have to wear it for much longer. I am counting on concerned global citizens to relieve me of this burden – not only for my sake, but for the sake of this beautiful planet we call home.”

Just before closing the conference in Amsterdam, DiCaprio reminded the press to consult their calendars before spreading the news.

+ Leonardo DiCaprio