This week the lead representative of the UK horse teamsters union traveled to London for a symposium with the Food Standards Agency regarding the unbridled anger that has enveloped the equine community since the country’s ground beef was discovered to be contaminated with horse meat. Saddled with the burden of not knowing whether or not they could trust their long-time human partners, the country’s horse establishment rallied its members and announced a transit strike until the scandal is resolved.
Flying coach into Heathrow, representative Clyde S. Dale was slated to give a pre-symposium speech Saturday morning, but had to postpone his presentation due to vocal chord troubles and a stalled car on the motorway. In a written statement, he expressed his concerns over the horsemeat scandal rocking the UK. “We are just saying ‘neigh’ to transporting humans until this debacle is resolved. We prefer to be fast-footed, not fast food“. When asked how many months the strike was expected to continue, the spokeshorse stamped his foot against the ground three times before hoofing it to his accommodations for the evening.
As the mane event of the week, the Symposium was intended to spur the UK’s top officials to create legislation to protect its four-legged citizens. Riders were expected to be tacked on to an existing bill that would provide reparations to the English herds while reining in food purity standards.
Food and Environment Minister David Heath said “We promise that our best efforts and full attention will be directed towards this serious safety concern for both humans and horses. We will stick to this issue like glue! ” After Heath unwittingly put his hoof in his mouth, the quadrupeds in the audience reacted with an audible “Whoa” and threatened to trot out of the discussion. However, despite a rocky start out of the gates, the Symposium eventually ended with a photo finish as the media took pictures of Dale and Heath flanked by their respective supporters.
“Clearly, we have no beef with one another,” remarked Heath, offering Dale a revised draft of legislation and a sugar cube. “We have held a relationship for centuries, and would hate to threaten such a bond over a clear case of foul horseplay in the food system.”
UK horses are expected to begin offering their services again sometime mid-year, taking time to ensure their demands are met. Until then, the country will have to cope with seeing the Royal Family using dairy cows to pull their carriages during public events and ceremonies.